It is hard for a man to be born as I was into a warlike family, and to have to spend all his time in service with his weapons.” He did not say directly what he thought, but Tomoyuki understood what he was hinting at.
The priest had also served as escort on the Emperor’s journey to Oki, and he began to relate what had happened on the way. “It was a most exalting and moving experience. I could easily imagine how you who had waited on him day and night must have felt about him. In every respect he equalled the grandeur of the sovereigns of old, and I was led to think that it was his very excess of ability in these degenerate and ill-starred times which caused things to happen as they did.” Even when he discussed quite ordinary matters, he added telling observations, speaking always in a most gentle manner. The priest tried to make up for the unhappy situation by treating Tomoyuki most solicitously, offering him wines which were extravagant for one in his position, if a little rough owing to the remoteness of the place.
Although the messenger sent to Kamakura had apparently by this time already returned, the priest deliberately avoided mention of him. Tomoyuki was oppressed by the desire to find out his fate, and though he had resigned himself to death, his spirits were low. “What good would it do me to be sent off to some distant island?” he asked himself. “No one in this world lives to be a thousand years old, and indeed, the longer one lives, the greater the suffering. Sooner or later I must journey the road that none escape—it’s all one. He whose mind is free of disturbance at the final hour will go to the Pure Land.”
In spite of his resolve, however, his heart was still torn by longing for the capital, and many thoughts continued to unsettle him. He realized that in any case, at least to judge by appearances, his own end could not be far off. His escort had hinted to him of it, and since he had shown himself a man of kindness, Tomoyuki thought that he would not object if he became a priest. The following day Tomoyuki said, “I think I should like to shave my head.” “That is most unfortunate. I wonder what they will think in Kamakura if they hear of it. However, I don’t imagine it makes any difference.”
