Oh thing which is pleasing to a sweet husband, pleasing to a parent,
greetings, and may Jupiter enrich you with good wealth,
Door, which they say served Balbus kindly
once, when the old man himself held the house,
and which they say in turn served his son badly,
after, once the old man was laid out, you became a married door.
Come now, tell us why you are said to have changed
and to have deserted your old loyalty to your master.
"It is not (may I so please Caecilius to whom I have now been handed over)
my fault, although it is said to be mine,
no one can speak of any wrongdoing by me:
but it is the judgement of people that the door does each deed,
who, whenever something is found out to have been done badly,
they all shout at me: Door, it is your fault."
It is not enough that you say that in one word.
But make it so that anyone can feel and see it.
"How can I? Nobody asks nor tries to understand."
I want to: do not hesitate to tell me.
"Therefore first, what was said about her having been handed over to us a virgin
is false. Her husband did not touch her before,
he whose little dagger hung weaker than a soft beet,
and never raised itself to the middle of his tunic;
but his father is said to have violated the bed of that son,
and dishonored his wretched home,
either because his impious mind burned with a blind love,
or because his son was infertile with barren seed,
so something more vigorous had to be sought elsewhere,
which could loosen her virgin belt."
You tell of an outstanding parent with amazing dutifulness,
who himself has pissed in his own son's lap!
"And yet it's not only this that Brixia says it has knowledge of,
Brixia, situated below the watchtower of Cycnus,
which the golden Mella runs past with its gentle stream,
Brixia, the beloved mother of my Verona,
but it tells about Postumius and the love of Cornelius,
with whom she committed terrible adultery.
At this point someone may say, "Door, how do you know that,
when you are never allowed to be away from your master's threshold,
nor to eavesdrop on people, but fixed here under this little beam
you are only accustomed to open or close the house?
Often I heard her speaking with a furtive voice
alone with her slave-girls about these misdeeds of hers,
mentioning by name those I have spoken of, as if she expected me
to have neither a tongue nor a little ear.
Moreover she added someone else, whom I do not want to mention
by name, in case he raises his red eyebrows.
He is a tall man, against whom was once brought a big lawsuit
by a fake childbirth from a lying belly.
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O dulci iucunda viro, iucunda parenti,
salve, teque bona Iuppiter auctet ope,
ianua, quam Balbo dicunt servisse benigne
olim, cum sedes ipse senex tenuit,
quamque ferunt rursus gnato servisse maligne, 5
postquam es porrecto facta marita sene.
dic agedum nobis, quare mutata feraris
in dominum veterem deseruisse fidem.
“Non (ita Caecilio placeam, cui tradita nunc sum)
culpa mea est, quamquam dicitur esse mea, 10
nec peccatum a me quisquam pote dicere quicquam:
verum istius populi ianua qui te facit,
qui quacumque aliquid reperitur non bene factum
ad me omnes clamant: ianua, culpa tua est.”
Non istuc satis est uno te dicere verbo. 15
sed facere ut quivis sentiat et videat.
“Qui possum? nemo quaerit nec scire laborat?”
Nos volumus: nobis dicere ne dubita.
“Primum igitur, virgo quod fertur tradita nobis,
falsum est. non illam vir prior attigerit, 20
languidior tenera cui pendens sicula beta.
numquam se mediam sustulit ad tunicam;
sed pater illius gnati violasse cubile
dicitur et miseram conscelerasse domum,
sive quod impia mens caeco flagrabat amore, 25
seu quod iners sterili semine natus erat,
ut quaerendum unde foret nervosius illud,
quod posset zonam solvere virgineam.”
Egregium narras mira pietate parentem.
qui ipse sui gnati minxerit in gremium. 30
“Atqui non solum hoc dicit se cognitum habere
Brixia Cycneae supposita speculae,
flavus quam molli praecurrit flumine Mella,
Brixia Veronae mater amata meae,
sed de Postumio et Corneli narrat amore, 35
cum quibus illa malum fecit adulterium.
dixerit hic aliquis: quid? tu istaec, ianua, nosti,
cui numquam domini limine abesse licet,
nec populum auscultare, sed hic suffixa tigillo
tantum operire soles aut aperire domum? 40
saepe illam audivi furtiva voce loquentem
solam cum ancillis haec sua flagitia,
nomine dicentem quos diximus, utpote quae mi
speraret nec linguam esse nec auriculam.
praeterea addebat quendam, quem dicere nolo 45
nomine, ne tollat rubra supercilia.
longus homo est, magnas cui lites intulit olim
falsum mendaci ventre puerperium.”
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