THE country grocery store at Chaffin's was crowded, and the village idlers were discuss ing the probable outcome of the litigation between Charles Hubbard and William Bax ter. Hubbard had sold Baxter fifty tons of hay and Baxter denied the agency of his wife. Hubbard consulted Charlie Simmons, the slickest lawyer in town, and placed the case in his hands for adjustment. "Charlie," said Simmons, dropping his glasses and looking wise, we must prove that Baxter acted as his wife's agent in the transaction, or we shall lose the case." Hubbard's face appeared thoughtful, and then he replied: "I'll do it. I will see Reube Parsons tonight at the groc ery store, and ask his help in the matter." "Hello, Reuben," yelled Charlie Hubbard, as he entered the small grocery store at Chaf fin's. "Wait until I'm through this checker game and then I'll be with you," replied Reuben. Charlie told Reuben the case, and said that he heard it whispered in the community that Reuben had an elastic conscience. "Not so," rejoined Reuben, although he admitted that he handled the truth a little carelessly, at times. "Well, Charlie," said Reuben, "that Bax ter to my mind, is a gol durned skinflint." "Oppression of the poor and defrauding people is agin the Kittykism. You say that Baxter said I would tell a lie for twelve and a half cents?" "Yes, he did, at Barber's crossing this morning," answered Hubbard. "Charlie, your case is won; I'll prove it to him. I'll tell eight for a dollar." The cider was passed around, but the in terview, had been carried to Baxter, and he settled. TOM H. MILNER of Belle Plaine, Iowa, is known far and wide as one of the wittiest and (most eccentric lawyers in the State. He was recently addressing a jury in this county where the controversy was over the value of a drove of hogs. Milner was for the plain tiff who had sued the railroad company for the loss of his hogs in the wreck. Milner said, among other remarks: "Yes, we talk
a whole lot about hogs and pork and we legislate against pork and trichinae; but when ham and egg times come in the spring we stop the legislation and forget all about its dangers in our greed for ham and eggs. That ends it all." OLD Deacon Williams of Iowa was noted for his "malapropisms." He never lost an opportunity of twisting words or using them out of place. "The diseased came to his death," etc., was his invariable custom in speaking or writing of a deceased person. "What's the judge doing this morning?" a spectator asked of the Deacon, as the court was arraigning a batch of prisoners. "Oh, he's just arranging some prisoners," was the reply. The deacon coined one absolutely new word in a burst of eloquence to the court. "Your honor," he said: "I insist there is no comf>itllion for doing this." And the court could not find it, either. IN one Western town a justice court jury recently resorted to a novel means of secur ing their fees. They sat on the case and re tired to the jury room, only to be out few minutes before they had reached a decision. The foreman appeared at the door and an nounced that he would like to speak to the justice. The judge waited upon him and he explained the jury had reached a verdict and had placed it in a sealed envelope. They wanted their fees, he said, and would not sur render the verdict until they had the money. "But," protested the attorney for the plain tiff in the case, "the time for you to demand your fees was at the beginning of the case, not now." The juryman said he didn't know about that if it was no fees it would be no verdict and he shut the door. The attorney for the plaintiff made a proposition to his adversary to divide the fees, but the latter did not care whether a verdict was returned or not. The plaintiff had to produce the six dollars to secure the sealed envelope. He was compensated by getting a verdict.
