Cavalry Instructor. "From where did you receive instructions to dismount, Sir?"
Raw Recruit. "From hindquarters, Sir."
Dear Mr. Punch,—I am only a dog, but as you have a dog of your own you will be able to sympathise with me and understand my feelings. If you don't, ask him and he will explain.
My master tells me he is going to a place called The Front, and he seems awfully pleased with the idea. But my mistress is not pleased at all, though she tries to smile and look happy when he talks about it. All the same, I have found her several times crying quietly by herself, and have had to lick her face thoroughly all over in order to cheer her up.
At first, when my master told me he was going to this mysterious place, I simply barked and wagged my tail and jumped about, because, of course, I thought I was going there too, and it doesn't matter to me where he goes as long as I go with him. Imagine therefore my feelings when it gradually leaked out that I was to be left behind. When the truth dawned upon me I was so upset that I lay for a whole day on the doorstep in a dazed condition, whilst several cats who knew me well came and washed themselves carefully right under my nose. I hardly saw them, though of course I couldn't help smelling them.
You see, Mr. Punch, what made me feel so very bad was that I had found out something about The Front from other dogs. It appears that it is a very dangerous place, full of what they call Germans, where he would need me to look after him much more than he does at home. Why then not take me? I cannot understand it at all. I can fight. Ask the dog at the house at the corner of our road what he thinks, and just take a look at his ears. They speak for themselves.
Then, again, I can hear and smell a great deal better than my master, and could keep watch while he is asleep (I am told he will have to sleep in a ditch!), and after one or two sniffs and bites I should soon learn to tell a German.
In time of danger the place of every English dog is by his master's side, and he doesn't mind dying there either. Can't you help us to get to The Front with our masters?
Yours faithfully,
A Very Sad Dog.
P.S.—I enclose untouched one of the most delicious bones I have ever smelt—not necessarily for publication but as a guarantee of good faith.
The Men from Blankley's.
"MATES GIVEN FOR
Dinner Parties.
Dance Suppers.
Wedding Receptions.
At Homes."
Advt. in "Clifton Society."
A boon for the harassed hostess.
That every advertiser
Desires to be indebted for
His income to the Kaiser;
At all events
He's got the goods for military gents.
The longest siege's tedium."
"Tin of Tobacco turns a shell—,
Great feat by Mascot (medium)."
"No ally feels
Hungry or tired who carries Ponk's Pastilles."
To soothe the soldier's nerve is
Our Black Maria cigarette—
The best for active service!"
"All haversacks
Should carry lumps of Entente sealing-wax."
Of British Oaths. The French is
More chic. A pretty compliment
To Piou-Piou in the trenches!
A boon untold
To Indian colonels suffering from the cold!"
"Both persons have been taken prisoners and sent to Medan, where they will be fried for having broken Holland's neutrality."
Provinciale Groninger Courant.
A severe, but perhaps necessary, lesson.
