The Deutsche Tageszeitung says:—
"Our present war with England shall not be done by halves; it is no war to be stopped by notice, but by a proper settlement. Otherwise the peace we all desire would be both rotten and dangerous." Your wish shall be respected, Deutsche Tageszeitung.
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The fines which Germany has been imposing so lavishly on towns and provinces will, a commercial friend informs us, ultimately prove to be what are known in City circles as "temporary loans."
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By the way, The Globe tells us that the Kaiser was once known to his English relatives as "The Tin Soldier." In view of his passion for raising tin by these predatory methods this title might be revived.
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The German threat that they will make "Gurkensalad" of the Goorkhas, leaves these cheery little sportsmen undismayed.
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We give the rumour for what it is worth. It is said that, overcome with remorse at the work of his vandals at Louvain, the Kaiser has promised when the war is over to present the city with a colossal monument of himself.
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Meanwhile President Wilson is being urged by innumerable tourist agencies in his country to stop the war before any more historical buildings are demolished.
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A number of the more valuable of the pictures in the Louvre have, with a view to their safety, been placed in cellars. La Gioconda is to be interned at an extra depth, as being peculiarly liable to be run away with.
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Strangely enough, the most heroic single-handed feat of the war seems only to have been reported in one paper, The Express. We refer to the following announcement:—
"AUSTRIAN WARSHIP SUNK
By J. A. Sinclair Pooley
Express Correspondent."
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It is stated that the German barque Excelsior, bound for Bremen with a valuable cargo, has been captured by one of our cruisers. It speaks well for the restraint of our Navy that, with so tempting a name, she was not blown up.
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A proposal has been made in The Globe that all "alien enemies" in this country shall be confined within compounds until the end of the War. Suggested alteration in the National Anthem: "Compound his enemies."
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"Carry on" is no doubt an admirable motto for these times, but the Special Constable who was surprised by his wife while carrying on with a cook (which he thought to be part of his professional duty) complains that it is misleading.
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We hear that some of our Nuts have volunteered to serve as regimental pets.
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Partridge shooting began last week, but poor sport is recorded. The birds declare that it is not their fault. They turned up in large numbers, but there were not enough guns to make it worth while.
The Thinker. "You say this war don't affect you: but 'ow, instead of a British copper sayin', 'Git aht of it,', would yer like one o' them German johndarms to keep proddin' at yer wif 'is baynit?"
The Gibraltar Manner.
"Gibraltar Life Normal,
Ladies Making Garments."
Marvellous the utter transformation
Of the spirit of the German nation!
Once the land of poets, seers and sages,
Who enchant us in their deathless pages,
Holding high the torch of Truth, and earning
Endless honour by their zeal for learning.
Such the land that in an age uncouther
Bred the soul-emancipating Luther.
Such the land that made our debt the greater
By the gift of Faust and Struwwelpeter.
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Now the creed of Nietzsche, base, unholy,
Guides the nation's brain and guides it solely.
Now Mozart's serene and joyous magic
Yields to Richard Strauss, the hæmorrhagic.[*]
Now the eagle changing to the vulture
Preaches rapine in the name of culture.
Now the Prussian Junker, blind with fury,
Claims to be God's counsel, judge and jury.
While the authentic German genius slumbers,
Cast into the limbo of back numbers.
*↑ Great play is made in Strauss's Elektra with the "slippery blood" motive.
The Late "Kaiser Wilhelm der Grosse."
First Student of the War. Why did they call it "Kaiser William the Grocer?"
Second Student. Don't know. I should have described him as a Butcher.
"PETROGRAD.
New Name for the Russian Capital.
Petrograud (St. Petersburg), Tuesday.
By Imperial order, the city of St. Petersburg will henceforth be known as Petrograu."
It looks more like three new names.
Q. I hear the Sugar Refiners are raising cane?
A. That’s because they haven't yet got the German beet.
[Awarded Gold Medal and Banana Skin for worst joke of the war.]
