geon: he could not murder all his patients: some of the surgical patients must be retained intact; re infectâ. For these he wanted linen bandages. But unhappily the Romans wore woollen, on which account they bathed so often. Meantime, there was linen to be had in Rome: but it was monstrously dear: and the τελαμῶνες or linen swathing bandages in which superstition obliged them to bind up corpses, would answer capitally for the surgeon. The doctor, therefore, contracts to furnish his friend with a constant succession of corpses, provided, and be it understood always, that his said friend in return should supply him with one-half of the articles he would receive from the friends of the parties murdered or to be murdered. The doctor invariably recommended his invaluable friend the pollinctor, (whom let us call the undertaker;) the undertaker, with equal regard to the sacred rights of friendship, uniformly recommended the doctor. Like Pylades and Orestes, they were models of a perfect friendship: in their lives they were lovely; and on the gallows, it is to be hoped, they were not divided.
"Gentlemen, it makes me laugh horribly when I think of those two friends drawing and redrawing on each other: 'Pollinctor in account with Doctor, debtor by sixteen corpses; creditor by forty-five bandages, two of which damaged." Their names unfortunately are lost; but I conceive they must have been Quintus Burkius and Publius Harius. By the way, gentlemen, has anybody heard lately of Hare? I understand he is comfortably settled in Ireland, considerably to the west, and does a little business now and then; but, as he observes with a sigh, only as a retailer—nothing like the fine thriving wholesale concern so carelessly blown up at Edinburgh. 'You see what comes of neglecting business,' is the chief moral, the ἐπιμύθιον, as Æsop would say, which he draws from his past experience."
At length came the toast of the day—Thugdom in all its branches.
The speeches attempted at this crisis of the Dinner were past all counting. But the applause was so furious, the music so stormy, and the crashing of glasses so incessant, from the general resolution never again to drink an inferior toast from the same glass, that my power is not equal to the task of reporting. Besides which, Toad-in-the-hole now became quite ungovernable. He kept firing pistols in every direction; sent his servant for a blunderbuss, and talked of loading with ball-cartridge. We conceived that his former madness had returned at the mention of Burke and Hare; or, that being again weary of life, he had resolved to go off in a general massacre. This we could not think of allowing: it became indispensable, therefore, to kick him out, which we did with universal consent, the whole company lending their toes uno pede, as I may say, though pitying his grey hairs and his angelic smile. During the operation the orchestra poured in their old chorus. The universal company sang, and (what surprised us most of all) Toad-in-the-hole joined us furiously in singing—
"Et interrogatum est ab omnibus—Ubi est ille Toad-in-the-hole?
Et responsum est ab omnibus—Non est inventus."
Here is the Greek Epigram—with a version. C. N.
Ιητρος Κρατεας και Δαμων ενταφιαστης
Κοινην αλληλοις θεντο συνωμοσιην.
Και ρ᾽ὁ μεν, οὑς κλεπτεσκεν απ´ ενταφιων τελαμωνας
Εις επιδεσμευειν πεμπε φιλῳ Κρατεᾳ.
Τον δ´απαμειβομενος Κρατεας, εις ενταφιαζειν
Πεμπεν ὁλους αυτῳ τους θεραπευομενους
Damon, who plied the undertaker's trade,
With Doctor Krateas an agreement made.
What grave-clothes Damon from the dead could seize,
He to the Doctor sent for bandages:
While the good Doctor—here no bargain-breaker—
Sent all his patients to the Undertaker.
